Alone At Home...

Pretty lonely, not even wanan go for meal. Aunty and family has gone to Singapore for vacation for a week. So i have to settle myself to survive.

Saturday, definitely not a good day. My lover, was cheating on me again. Betrayal...betrayal...betrayal....this is what...erm..the 10th time? if i tell u this is the 10 time or more, and i still didn't let go, will you think im stupid?Will u think im too stubborn?will u advise me to break up? I duno.....i am numb with the betrayal of love, the same person, and it just wont stop. No matter how hard i try to improve myself, to care, to give in love, to be mature and think wisely, to plan for our future(which i naively think we have one)....i am still not worth enough to be loved, and i still get the betrayal.....

It was so pain, when i knw the news.....while driving back from tesco, which i almost met with two accidents....i am down. No matter what i did, im still a loser in love. I can't secure my love's heart.....what is wrong with me?I duno..i keep thinking....

After the two shocking almost-met-accident, i was safely home. Feeling moodless, and trying to swift my focus to house chores, cleaning up the house, keep the mess, iron the clothes for aunty since they are not around. Shamely, its my first time doing all this stuff.....get burn when ironing clothes...few times...Ouch....silly......and i spoilt two clothes when ironing them.....stupid...

Yeah,maybe is my dependancy, my naiveness, my stupidy, my sillyness and my foolish...i was cheated, again and again, which make my lover think i wont run away no matter what....
i try to grow, i try to be wise, i try to be strong and independant...i try....and i try to say Good bye to love... :(...i wish i can...

Many frens asked me, why i am still clinging on after so many betrayals.....i duno...i just hope one day, my lover will change, because of me. Too naive, and too early to dream? Im waiting, coz i see our future...but my lover might not have the same thinking....i am jsut a passer by in my lover's life............

Now i really hate myself to be or look so naive and stupid.............

im confused.....i was sad..and sinfully, im watching tvb series "天幕下的恋人 Love In The Sky", its about sweet romantic love story....and i had just had a bad love treats.....

a lonely week, started bad.....and i hope it wont continue.

早知道伤心总是难免的，我又何苦一往情深。
有些是我现在不必问，有些人我永远不必等。。。

what am i waiting for?
- a guts to break up?
- a future of togetherness?
- a love that has no betrayal.....
- a lover that loves me, that walks the journey of life with me.....
???

Something Does Matters

A week after birthday, 21st, what so good about it?nothing. Get to spend some time with someone, and the rest was staying home at bed, and almost fall sick but i didnt come soon.
Had a dinner with aunty at night, and there goes my birthday.

Something, is bothering my mind, problem is i don't know what is it. I was suffering insomnia last week, my sleeping time was not fix at all.

This past weekend, i went to my fren's convo. Its so fun, to meet up bunch of old friends, those graduated and those studying in Cyberjaya. Its a tiring journey but it worth valueless.

Well as i predicted, i wont get to go Singapore on my birthday,ssome kinda birthday gift for myself which i didnt make it to reality. Sacarstic enough, my aunt is going to Singapore this weekend, 13 days, with her family,working and vacation. I will be all alone in penang. Lonely...
my mind is jsut too mixed up, cant process a thing......

I just know that i need a BREAK, i want a vacation.....this end of august, national day is on 31st, but its on thursday. Bad enough, i might take a day off on friday to make it four days and travel to Singapore alone. I just need a break, ran off many thing.
I am a total strangers in SG....worry a little......but i need to go somewhere...

how i hope i can be like a kids and say, " I am Not Happy!!" :(
then someone will come and caress and hug u, pampering u to bed or sort so....[keep dreaming]

21 Year In My Life.

2 weeks more, going to be 21 already. Shall i look back? or shall i just proceed?

I want to, turn my head and gaze for the past, but i don't have the guts, i fear for the fact that i didn't achieve any life goals, I afraid of myself that has changed too much, I frighten that i have taken a regretful road, and i, terrified that im going to no where.

5th of August, has always been a dull day in my life. Never remarkable, nor magnificiant. Until i came to my Uni life, people starts to celebrate birthday, and i celebrated my first birthday, in my first year in Uni life. Then, the day 5th of August, has never been so joyous and anticipated. This year, it's coming, it's counting down from every clock ticks. Ironically, this year birthday falls on Saturday, which i think will augur well my 21 years old birthday.

For the past years, i hadn't had any birthday wishes, if you have seen me making one, it's just for the sake of making it. Well this year, i wonder where comes the sudden impulse that i want it so much, to make my birthday wish, number of it! It must be the working life, it must be the transition of life, it must be the changed of my mind, on starting to have a proper realistic plan for my future, my working life, my life with my love and our future. I put a hope of us far and high away, and i started to build the reaching road.

I have came across a couple of friends, who tell me what i can or have to do since im aging to 21. To go and have FUN, hit in the casino, go to the pub without worrying of the spot check...and many more. They try to assure me that on the edge of Law, im legal for anything which an adult is. Yes, i am well aware of that, but i never take those as any special events. I accept it, as it will come sooner or later anyhow. I don't have to drag a hooker on 21 to prove that im an Adult,right?haha...Well being for 21, there are countable of things that needs my concern to work on rather than trying hard out to show that im an adult. Dwelling in the working life, i started to worry of my future, will i have enough credits and skills to survive? If i have, how can i make value out of myself fo justification? Stucked in Intel, has opened up my eyes, very very much. Just 1 and a half month in it, i have been unwillingly rolled into some political issue, pity, but i have learnt, to see but not to hear. See it yourself, not from others. The only thing you can trust is your eyes, sometimes even your ears are not reliable as people tends to talks alot and those rumours and bad talks just going straight into your ears pulsing to your mind which makes your mind believe that those are real, in fact its not.

Done with the working part, so much to write as i have been through alot. My birthday wish,

" I wish to have a creditable and labourly fruitful jobs after grads."
"I wish to have a quality life after im working."
"I wish to be with my love, for the next 3 ,30 or 300 years?as long as the love in this world prevails."
"I wish i will have a healthier body, not to fall sick so often"
"I wish me and my love is as well and fine couple as we will always complete each other."

Reason i make the first wish this year is this is the suitable time for it as for my next year birthday it will be too late for i have graduated.
Second wish came in as my needs, rather than hope. One always say you need it, you will have to want it, you want it, then you will have to go for it. So i will go for quality life when im financially stable.
Third wish, is always special, to me, a LEO. Leo maybe popularized by public and friends, but he always knows who he love. I have found you and you will be the rest.
Fourth, i really wonder why, i am so fragile of late. Keep falling sick and i was sick for the whole June which makes me lost weight, terribly. Now i am just trying to charged back, eating much and much. So i hope that i will be healthier.
And for the last and final one, it's the wish for both of us. I am always so round and complete with your presence.

Before i end, i has this little wish, which i hope to spent my birthday in Singapore, but i guess i wont happen. Anyway it's just my dream. :)

Happy Birthday to Myself.

纸条的故事。。。

世足过了， 回到了办公室，3天的假期，结束时感情也变质了。

11/7 ：今天迟到了十分钟，进办公室时还遇见老板。到了位子，看见了一张字条，是一位上星期离开的理大实习生留的。纸条写到：

" IE Grass, Kaydrin :

Cannot imagine u r still so young?!! Nice to know u. Stay Happy & Work Smart.

Jesus love u.

(dun always sms-ing lah.)

2006,LingLia"

认识她并不是很久，但很高兴有她这一位美女做朋友。ＩＥ　Ｇｒａｓｓ．．．这几个字看了让我笑了一下，Ｉｎｄｕｓｔｒｉａｌ　Ｅｎｇｉｎｅｅｒｉｎｇ　的　Ｄｅｐａｒｔｍｅｎｔ　草，还真的让我想了一下，才懂她的意识。。。哈哈！！这张纸条，让我在３天的暴风雨后，得到了少少的安尉。

The Difference

Busy Busy and Busy...this week i energize myself to 100% utilization as my work started to pumped in wholely. Stress is adding on and i kept waking up at night. Undeniably, Intel works is abit stressfull and eventfull...you have to be multitasking to survive, as i am, i had 3 project on hands..even that im just an interns, not yet a permanent employee. Cant sleep well at night, body ache, headache/migrant...syntoms of overwork and stress.

Monday : I had a planning chat with my supervisor as he has no time for me for the past month. We talk about what am i going to do, with the whole plan and roadmap. There goes my work, started. Adding to the case, my other colleagues/supervisor, TK, with no reason stuff a project to my hand and to be completed on Thursday, as the presentation will be on Friday morning, for god sake, to the US side Intel by conference call.

Tuesday : Its a day full of training, from 9-5.30, completely tired up my whole body. The training is bout Statistical 101, which something similar to Mean, Median, Varian, S.D., Bar Chart, Box Plot....and how to use the excel-alike software, JMP. Its a data analysis tool which is useful and more powerful than Ms-Excel. Well..its a boring and heavy class, and i have body ache after attending it.

Wednesday : First thing in the morning when i step in my office, i started to work on the Inventory Tool Tracker, which TK assigned to me. He is not my supervisor and i got nothing related to him, but he likes to give me things to do or talk to me. He just being friendly i guess. Well yesterday he burned a CD for me and all my colleages are like suspecting him over me. So at times i try to avoid him. I hope i wont get rolled into the "G.A.Y" phenomena once again.
Back to this morning, i was busy doing the thing, and almost completing, Tk come and request for some changes. The rest of the time was torturous, for changing this and that until i dont have time for my breakfast. During lunch time, i took a big plate of rice to refilled my drumming tummy which in turn makes me feel very sleepy at the Statistic 101 training session 2. After the training, it was time to continue finishing up my inventory tracker again. I went back late today.

Thursday : Same as wednesday, doing the Inventory Tool Tracker whole day and completed it with the goal meeting TK request. At the end of the day, i just knew that i had to do power point and present it on the next day morning, through Conference Call to US Intel. I was panic and almost pass out. I had never done any conference call before and only permanent employee will do that. but wonder why i was the chosen one. My colleages say its because of my english so they have faith in me to do the conference call. I couldnt imagine it, but just trying to prepare as much as possible so that i wont screw the whole thing up tommorow morning. and that is why now, 7.21pm im still the in office.

Friday : Well i predict today as a mix feeling day, morning will be the US Conference Call, excited, anxiety and nervous. Lunch time, it will be the hard time as a whole bunch of my colleages, from USM interns, is leaving today. They are going back to school next week. I missed the time with them, when the first day i come in Intel, how they treated me..the warmest welcome...the department will surely be a little less noisy but less colorful without them... :(( there it goes, the farewell lunch for my bunch of colleages from USM. Friday, usually its a free day, afternoon will be staff meeting, still waiting for order if i need to attend or not. Else it will be the time for me to finish up my WorkWeek27 tasks, and put a stop to the whole week job.
Then...its Happy Hours...well i will spend it at home packing as i will be going to KL...paktor..haha...next monday its penang holiday..so will be there for 3 days..Cool!!

Saturday-Monday : Not Available. Try to bump into me at KL if you are there too... :P

The tiring Work Week 27... work week 28, will be more tight the schedule, anyway i do hope the fruit of my labour, is tasty.

最近

《最近》， 一首让我听了很感动的歌，让我回忆起我们的一切。那时的冷战，分手前的平静， 对你的执著，用百般理由欺骗自己接受你，说我们最配。。。这首歌，写出的那时的情景，我已经不能自拔，再次陷入旧伤口里。

李圣杰 - 最近

你最近不说话 怎么了 为什么
是不是有什么事让你不快乐
听说你最近很孤单 有点乱有点慌
可是我却不能够在你的身旁

你想要的 我却不能够你我全部
我能给的 却又不是你想要拥有的
我们不适合也不想认输
好几次我们抱着彼此都是想要哭
你常解释这样的一切都只是开始
我觉得是所有的一切早就已结束
不想再约束 不要再痛苦
下一次会有更好的情路

你最近不说话 怎么了
为什么是不是有什么事让你不快乐
听说你最近很孤单
有点乱有点慌
可是我却不能够在你的身旁

你想要的 我却不能够?你我全部
我能给的 却又不是你想要拥有的
我们不适合也不想认输
好几次我们抱着彼此都是想要哭
你常解释这样的一切都只是开始
我觉得是所有的一切早就已结束
不想再约束 不要再痛苦
下一次会有更好的情路

爱 我却不能给你我全部
我能给的 却又不是你想要拥有的
我们不适合也不想认输
好几次我们抱着彼此都是想要哭
你常解释这样的一切都只是开始
我觉得是所有的一切早就已结束
不想再约束 不要再痛苦
下一次会有更好的情路

这一次我们都能很幸福

我怕了，真的受伤了。。。

你怕了，收手了，
我很安慰， 也很疑惑。
信任， 早已走了，
从来，那是什么？

知道不是为了爱，
更不是为了我，
是因为你的私隐被侵犯了，
是因为你的纸保不住火了，
所以你止步了。


我矛盾，该相信你吗？
没有你，会习惯吗？
之前的解释，出现了漏洞，
不该再想了，再次的欺骗，我能接受吗？

付出的爱，能收回吗？
以牙还牙，能做到吗？
但对你的爱，还是深过一切，
最后的我，选择了宽容。

我对了吗？
我错了吗？
给我的谎言，
都怪我有罪。
我无话可说，
只当听不见，
让事情过去，
期待下一个晴天。